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The Curse of the Diaper pt.1

*Author's note: I have attempted to put a bit more of a story into this one, and it will be in parts, enjoy!*

The periwinkle-blue sky overlooking the quaint cottage suggested nothing out of the ordinary that fine Summer's day. In fact, for a group of teens such as themselves, this was planned out to be the best week of their lives.
  Josephine rolled her eyes whilst lugging a rucksack full of supplies over her shoulder. Why did Rosie always have to be like this? It was uncalled for.
  'This place seems a bit - um - bland,' Rosie nagged, squinting out into the horizon of the mountainous, bleak land, 'you sure we're in the right place?'
  'Yes, for the millionth time!' Said Mai, annoyed. She clambered out of the car and surveyed the house through her large, glassy hazel eyes. Not one of them noticed an obscure wail coming from within the house. Another dismounted the car, joining Mai in observing the large, mostly lumber house.
  'It's amazing,' said Lucy, 'reminds me of my grandparent's old fishing shack.'
  It was true. The door was crafted finely from modern-looking logs, accompanied at either side by cute windows. It sort of resembled a sloth's face.
  Mai seized a brass key from her pocket and, with a struggle from the rusted latch, unlocked the door. Josephine wandered in promptly after Mai and Lucy, followed by a curious Rosie. The interior didn't disappoint either; to the left was the supposed living room, coming with a large flat screen and leather sofas that resembled clouds; and on their right was the kitchen, sides of the room lined with squeaky-clean counters and an array of ornate plates.
  'Oh my god,' breathed Josephine. She leapt instantly onto the leather sofa, seizing the remote.
  'Switch ITV on, Jose,' Lucy joined in.
  'I don't know,' said Rosie warningly, 'this place seems too nice.'
  'Don't get your knickers in a twist,' said Mai, patting her on the back, then plopping herself onto the couch, 'first you ask us if this is the right place, and now you're saying "it's too nice"? Stop worrying and watch something with us.' Rosie obliged, but uneasily. She could feel something wrong about this place.
  After a fun night of laughs, drinking and watching all the new shows, they retired up to bed. Rosie was sharing rooms with Josephine and Lucy with Mai. It all seemed lovely there, but Rosie was still not convinced. Hot to prove her point, she crawled out of bed at 4am, weary. She could barely tell if this was a dream or reality, but nevertheless crept out of the room and downstairs. That was when she heard it. A faint whisper fell into her ears, she couldn't make it out, but it was urgent. Rosie, perhaps getting too curious now, followed the sound promptly. She made it down a cold, stone staircase that she hadn't known existed until this point, ventured into a small room where the whisper became talks. Rosie giggled excitedly, perhaps even child-like, with the talk. Everything faded out into black - and that was when she awoke, smiling, like she knew something her friends didn't.
:iconaraeann123:
ARaeann123 Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014
It's good.  What's it about anyways?  Mines on where this girl dies unexpectedly and she wants to learn how and WHY she died.
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:icontheallblackman:
TheAllBlackMan Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2014
It's a great start to try writing. The plotline is developing nicely. The characters and scenes are believable. You have timing down pat and your grammar is impeccable. Most importantly it shows quite a bit of potential for greatness. But...
 
The problem comes with your description. This one is a simple fix. You use far too many adjectives and adverbs in your sentences. Try to use more verbs and nouns and you will be surprised at the improvement in flow and excitement. Let me give an example.
 
In your piece was this paragraph. "Mai seized a brass key from her pocket and, with a struggle from the rusted latch, unlocked the door. Josephine wandered in promptly after Mai and Lucy, followed by a curious Rosie. The interior didn't disappoint either; to the left was the supposed living room, coming with a large flat screen and leather sofas that resembled clouds; and on their right was the kitchen, sides of the room lined with squeaky-clean counters and an array of ornate plates. "
 
My rewording is as follows. "Mai grabbed a key and fought the latch, managing to open the door. The four entered the cabin and drank the scene in. The living area had a flat screen TV and leather furniture, and off to the side was a kitchen which itself was surrounded by a gleaming countertop and ornately decorated flatware."
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:iconzaeopolis:
Zaeopolis Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much mate - I had a feeling something was wrong with my writing but just couldn't figure it out.
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June 16, 2014
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